Ok But He Really is a Dwight

Depression is like that random cousin that just bursts into your house whenever he feels like it.

I am being transferred to a new unit and my new supervisor ("S") decided to surprise me by gathering together all my new coworkers and bringing out a cake. Unfortunately for him, I just entered into a depressive episode and almost burst into tears cause I felt so overwhelmed with all this stimuli. I looked at the smiling cheerful faces around me and chanted "Don't cry or else they'll think you're a total weirdo. Don't cry or else they'll think you're a total weirdo."

After all the cake and people were gone, I closed the door and sat him down. I told him in detail my depression and anxiety and how it's been affecting my work performance. He listened well and at the very end, drew himself up and said in a gentle tone, "You just need to calm down."

Are you effing kidding me.

It wasn't malicious, he actually was well intended as he followed it up with a typical pep talk about how I can do it!! But this was a guy who dealt with mental illness claims for 31 years. Then again, if your job is to disprove and dispute those claims, I suppose you can't be expected to understand mental illness or see it other than some dollar sign value. They might have been proactive on the legal side (as expected) but how they handle the emotional aspect of a diagnosis speaks volumes.

This was the straw that broke the camel's back. My therapist and my husband both repeatedly asked me why I couldn't just quit my job. I kept saying a la Rachel McAdams, "It's not that simple!" I just needed to adapt to my new job. I needed to support my husband financially. A took a chance when she hired me. If I left, I'd put them in a real bind. My parents invested into my future. But little by little, those reasons stopped mattering. I think what really helped was when my mom told me that I didn't have to stay in this job, she just wanted me to find a job that was stable, put food on the table, and wasn't too stressful. A might have taken a chance on me but since I am no longer part of their unit, it's not like my leaving is really affecting them. I'm going to grit my teeth, stick it out til December (to get that sweet sweet bonus and save up a nest egg), then either quit or file for work comp.

I'm obviously not happy here and I'm staying to the detriment of my mental health. I don't like being a lawyer, I never wanted to be one in the first place. I was just trying to make everyone else happy when I entered into law school. My hard earned JD diploma means jack-poop to me. I don't know if my parents will be happy if I leave but I won't be out of a house and food if I quit. And I think they've seen me suffer enough in this job to at least understand why I'm quitting, even if they don't agree. I don't like conflict and I don't like trials. If I do go into another legal job (and I'm not sure that I will), I am going to get a job where I just read legal documents all day. No human interaction.

Thank you S for helping me see the light.